Understanding the Borderline Mother by Christine Ann Lawson

This book is a definitive resource for me as a survivor of a borderline mother. And I know it is for many others as well. I knew the basic material within the book even before reading it, because I had followed and participated in so much discussion about it in online support groups.

The four categories of borderline mother in this book are clearly defined and easy to understand. All of this, as I have said, is thoroughly discussed not only in the many existing reviews, but in many survivor communities. This book has taken on a life of its own among those of us who truly need this information. I'm giving it five stars because it's a go-to resource, a life saver.

What I wanted to add with this review, is that I found reading this book a little frustrating at times. Christine Ann Lawson is a clinician. So she gives some medical explanations, which generalize and create what feel like loopholes, excuses, or potential rationalizations, maybe.

For example she explains medically why borderlines have a poor memory, and thus you can't get a straight story from them. But in my experience, my mother often simply lies for the many reasons also explained in the book. She may very well know the truth and simply choose not to tell it because it's unflattering to herself. The forgetsies are super convenient for her.

One of the big discussions within the narcissism/borderline personality disorder community is whether such people are capable of doing any better or not, whether they can help their bad behavior.

In my observation this condition, like narcissism, is a choice, a series of choices that people make constantly. It becomes a clinical diagnosis when they're socially supported in constantly making these toxic choices, are not forced to work with the rest of us here on Earth 1. Low integrity doesn't happen all at once, it's a chronic degradation.

Unfortunately both of those conditions involve deception, manipulation, low empathy, willingness to exploit others, and you can see how it's not healthy for me, as a survivor, to give them the benefit of the doubt.

I've seen that my mother actually does know she's been lying her face off the whole time. She does it as long as she believes she'll get away with it, and doesn't stop a moment sooner. Once you take away all of her choices, she magically owns up to her crap. But only as much as she's forced to admit. She clings to her fantasy version of reality for dear life, and tries to drag everyone else in with her. In my personal, non-clinical opinion, tough love is the best/only thing you can do for these people. Make them cash the reality checks early and often.

So even though the clinicians who don't live with these people every day give them more benefit of the doubt than I'm willing to, this book was absolutely indispensable for me. Because it helped me really understand that my mother isn't evil. She's pitiful. She's really mentally ill, completely wrecked in the head. She was able to fool a lot of people for a long time. But this wonderful book really helped me understand the disgusting choices she made every day for decades, why she made them. I can't relate to the emptiness inside of her, or truly understand it. But it's at least described in this book. It makes my mother make sense.

If nothing else, simply being able to open up a book and see the unhappy patterns of your family laid out plain should make people feel a lot better. Your borderline mother tells you you're crazy, that you feel bad because you're interpreting everything wrong. Every paragraph of this book recalibrates you from the inside, which is truly golden, priceless.